107. In case of emergency...

When the flight attendant told me to make myself familiar with the emergency safety instructions before take-off, I did just that. This is what I found...



Today's flight will be approximately 4 1/2 seconds long at which point we will reach our destination on the other side of the control tower.

If you happen to look out the window at any point of the flight and don't recognize where we are...

...feel free to stick your head out and take a look around.

If you happen to look out your window and realize that there's... something on the wing... some... THING.. it is your responsibility to open up the emergency hatch, climb out there, and get it off.

If we do happen to experience an emergency situation during the flight, remain calm and follow these instructions...

Do NOT under ANY circumstances open the side hatch if we land in a body of water, a volcano, or a giant pile of razor blades and broken glass.

In the event of a water landing, life jackets are located underneath your seat. Warning: putting on the life vest is a very unpleasant experience. You will be very disgruntled.

1. Place life vest over heads with arms fully extended so as not to cause chafing.
2. After donning your vest an Irish jig might lighten the mood of those panicking around you.
3. Warning: life vests may cause you to fart spontaneously.
4. In the event of a spontaneous fart spin around quickly.
5. This will dissipate the foul aroma away from your body.
6. Depending on the pungency of the fart, others around you may or may not vomit on you.



In the event of an emergency landing on a hard surface...

If you are in a hurry to make an important business meeting, exit quickly to the right.

All others exit in a squigly leftward direction.

If a safe emergency landing is not possible and impending doom is a certainty... feel free to swivel your seat around, allowing you to watch as the other passengers perish behind you.