Parking
Right as you pull into the parking lot, stop your car. Recite a quick prayer...
Dear ye ol' gods of parking,
Please have mercy on my soul as I roam through your sacred pasture of pavement. Give us this day our daily parking space. Lead me not into the temptation to rear-end every car that's already claimed a spot with its blinker or to run over every cock-sucking, mother-fucking, bastard of a person who walks between the rows of cars on the way to their vehicle. Amen.
Now that that is taken care of, you may proceed. Drive at least 40mph around the 5mph speed limit parking lot. The amount of time you spend looking for a spot is inversely proportional to the speed at which you make your way through the lot. If your tires don't squeal as you round turns, you're not going fast enough.
Once you find a spot, grab one of the 2,000 shopping carts littering the parking lot and head towards the entrance.
The Pre-Game
Before you go in, you're gonna want to take some time to mentally prepare yourself for whats about to go down, cuz once you walk through those doors there's absolutely no turning back. It's just like riding a roller coaster... once the handle bars lock down and the wheels start moving, the words "Wait, I changed my mind" don't mean shit anymore.
Once your mental prep is complete, head on in.
NOTE: Good news if you happen to be a 20ft tall giant, you'll have no problem fitting through the front doors.
Game Time
The key to shopping at Costco is to NEVER stop your cart. It's a proven fact that shoppers moving at a slower rate will always stop/yield for those moving at a faster rate. And if they don't, the force of your faster moving cart will push them clear out of your way. The second you stop your cart for any reason, people will start crossing in front of you and moving around you in all directions like there's no tomorrow. It'll take you a solid 20 to get that cart rolling again. If this means you have to run over an old lady's foot or mow down an entire school of passing babies... so be it.
In order to keep your cart in constant motion, you may need to implement the 'sweeping arm' technique when approaching items you wish to purchase (if you can't grab it quickly). This may result in extra times falling into your cart that you didn't intend to buy. This is fine. You can always use these random items to give to kids on Halloween or to gift out to your friends on their birthdays.
The only acceptable time to bring your cart to a complete stop is if you urgently need to go to the bathroom and you can't wait until you get home or to another establishment far away from Costco. I'm talkin' prairie-dogging to the point that you may or may not already have a shit stain on your underwear. If you find yourself in this sort of predicament, forget the bathroom. Judging by the amount of traffic cruising around the store at any given time, the bathroom is probably just as abuzz with people. Plus your cart is likely to be ransacked and torn to shreds if you step away from it for more than 13 seconds. Instead, head over to one of the uncrowded aisles that no one ever goes down i.e. the baby food/baby related goods aisle... no one buys that shit.
Benefits of using the baby aisle as a bathroom:
1. Complete peace and quiet.
2. You'll never get blamed. They'll probably just think a rogue baby did it.
3. They're gonna need to pay someone to clean up after you... i.e. you're creating jobs and stimulating the economy. You should be commended for your efforts.
Free Samples
Amidst all your shopping it's important to take advantage of all the free samples Costco has to offer. I usually allot a good 15 minutes to the consumption of free food.
NOTE: Make sure you limit your time at any one free sample table. The more time you spend at one table, the more likely that worker is going to tell you that if you want more, you're gonna have to buy the product. EFF that noise. Take one or two samples at one table and then move on to another. Give other people a chance to go to the table you were just at. The idea is that when you return to the original table they will no longer remember that you were already there. When you DO decide to revisit free sample tables, come in from different angles. Maybe throw in a couple of wardrobe changes. Mix it up. Get creative. Keep them guessing.
Checking Out
Once your cart is loaded to the brim and you're all free sampled out, it's time to get the eff out. This is what my carts (yea I had two carts. STEP!) looked like when I was finished shopping.
When you head over to the check-out area there are like 20 different lines to choose from. These are the things I look for when choosing a line:
1. Line Length. Obviously the shorter the line the better.
2. Quantity of goods in people's carts. Depending on how much shit people have loaded into their cart could make a line go slower even if there are less people in the line.
3. Age of the shoppers in line. Hellz. to. the. NO. am I getting in line behind some 96 year old woman who's first gonna pull out every coupon she's ever collected since she was 15 and then decide that she doesn't actually want 7 of her items and then spend 15 minutes trying to write a check that looks like someone was having a seizure while writing it. I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a hot soldering iron.
4. The cashier/cashier's assistants (i would say bagger but they don't actually give you bags for any of your stuff). A good cashier/assistant can really make a difference in terms of line speed.
Exit
Keep your receipt handy for when you leave. They check it on the way out the door. Keep your head down during this process. It seems as though they take the cheeriest, happiest people on staff, and stick them at the back door. If Lull decided to get a job at Costco, she'd immediately be put at the back door. If you make eye contact with these people, forget it. They'll be talking to you for 10 minutes.
Once you make it out the door and to your car, it's time to STUFF.
If your car doesn't look as full, if not fuller, than it did that time you packed up all your stuff and moved across the country... go back and get more shit.
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