11. Don't talk to me.... please

The other day one of the women that works in this office said hi to me as she was passing my cubicle. She commented that I always just kinda show up and disappear out of nowhere and that I never make a sound. She is completely correct. But this is in no way because I am a quiet individual. Any of you who know me know that to be far from the truth. That is the impression she gets of me because I try my absolute hardest to sneak in and out of this office without talking to ANYONE. You may be wondering why in the world I would do such a thing. "Why oh why do you have to be so anti-social, Joel? I'm sure the people at your office are all just normal people like you."

WRONG

90% of the people that work here are 20-40 years older than I am... and I know absolutely nothing about all the chemicals these people work with... so its difficult to find common ground for conversation.

I will now describe some of the people who work here and you tell me if you'd talk to them.


First and foremost there is my Mom. She is how I got this job. Don't get me wrong, she's one of the nicest women you'll ever meet and is a great mom. That being said... after spending as much time with her as I have, most of the things she does just annoy the hell out of me at this point. I see enough of her at home so I try to avoid her at all costs when at work.

I have three bosses.
Boss #1: Jason
Jason has dandruff and does not speak correctly. Sometimes it's hard to understand him. The main thing is that he pronounces his TH's like D's. "Dat is great". Lets just say it doesn't really work for a middle-aged white guy. He is also just  a creepy individual. He once mentioned to me that he has a flash drive at home specifically for his porn. There's on girl in this office who is relatively young and quite attractive, and if he happens to be walking and sees her, he'll stop in his tracks and stare and then say quietly, "hot hot hot hot...". Plus he's a Phillies fan.

Boss #2: Wayne
Wayne is somewhat eccentric. He is Chinese and rocks a comb-over. He talks VERY fast and often gets very excited when talking about something. He enjoys crunching numbers and cracks a large smile when he has to stop what he's talking about to calculate something in his head. He loves to talk about sailing and killing fish. Today he came over to my cubicle around 12 and asked, very enthusiastically, if I wanted to go 'IHOP-ing'... as in, "Would you like to come to IHOP with Jason and I for lunch during which we can sit and have an awkward conversation about god knows what where none of us knows what to say to one another?" I respectfully declined the invitation.

Boss #3: Charles
Charles is Jason and Wayne's boss. I think I can count on one hand the number of times we've actually spoken words to each other. He literally has the voice of a frog. Picture what a frog would sound like if it was talking to you... that's what Charles sounds like. 'nough said.


Now I will move on to the people who work in the vicinity of my cubicle. There are two people who's cubicles share a wall with mine: Lisa and Darren.

Lisa types like the wind. I know this because she types so loud that you can hear it from across the building. Give the keyboard a break would you?? She also has a high-pitched voice like that of a mouse.... which wouldn't be as bad if she didn't speak like a 5 year old! MY GOD it is probably the most annoying way a middle-aged woman could possible speak. There is always one or two other women that stop by her cube to talk... theyre always whispering and chuckling... CHUCKLING AND WHISPERING. AAAAHHH!!!. I kinda want to set her cubicle on fire.

Darren is one of the IT guys for the company. His voice is kinda whinny. Again this wouldn't be AS bad if he didn't talk on the phone as if there was a jackhammer being used in the cubicle next to us. Of course there is no jackhammer anywhere near here. Like lower your voice buddy. There are other people around you. Also I overheard him talking to one of the other IT guys about how the girl I guess he was seeing wasn't returning any of his calls/messages and left him a message that said he was dead to her.... sooooo I'm staying away from him.


Finally there are the randoms. The people that stop and talk to you when you pass them or talk to you in the lunch room etc. Just couldn't care less about anything these people have to say. Today I was walking back to my desk from the printer or something and a woman stopped and goes "Are you someone's son?" No woman... I was birthed when lightning struck a stem cell lab. When I explained who my mother was she said "oooh yeah, i remember her telling me that her son worked here... and I recognized you from the holiday cards she sends out." Oh really lady? Cuz that's not creepy at all.


That's what I deal with on a daily basis. I hope at this point you see why I make an effort and go out of my way to avoid any and all contact with these people as best I can.